My brother loves physics at the moment. So much so, that
when I eventually return home he pesters me with distinct physics questions
that, if he wasn’t so narrow-minded, would encroach on the territory of metaphysics
and philosophy. One such discussion recently incurred a moment of
crystallisation in my own being. Crystallisation, in this context, concerns the
process of a highly saturated solution filled with solid to the point that it
can no longer dissolve, and the slightest nudge of the glass causes the whole
solution to immediately solidify and crystallise. It’s a moment of stark
realisation. He was talking about kinetic energy, and how the total energy in
must equal the total energy out, and so on and so forth.
Boom. Crystallisation.
For a while now I have been trying to pinpoint where I am in
terms of maturity and character development, a completely futile exercise to be
sure, so don’t even attempt it (the koan
“what is the sound of one hand clapping?” springs to mind). This to me had
seemed like the inelastic car crash Andrew was describing- I’m happier than
I’ve ever been, I’m surrounded by fantastic people, I’m doing what I love and working, perfectly balancing seeking
new friendships and experiences with cultivating the relationships and
experiences that I already have. I am making inroads to that ultimate goal of
getting 100% out of myself, and attacking everything that I do at 100%
intensity. A lofty goal to be sure, but a noble one to strive for. Most
interesting are the things I have been able to work out intellectually,
although I shouldn’t be surprised at my capacity to do so. I realised some time
ago that my intellect could only take me so far, like a fish that has swum
upstream as far as it can, but cannot climb the mountain without evolving into
something that breathes a different kind of oxygen. I sidestepped, disregarding
my intellect and snapping back to the world of feelings and spontaneity. Even
that didn’t work, but that’s another story. Only the ending matters here- no
matter where I am, I’m almost content.
Almost enlightened, almost at peace. There’s one little
nagging thought at the back of my being, like the buzz of a fridge stopping one
from hearing true silence. Not that anyone can know true silence, but that's a
different matter. This crystallisation I speak of comes with the knowledge that
there are no problems, per se, there are only situations that one either deals with immediately, or puts them out
of ones mind until they can be dealt with in the now. This crystallisation came
with the discovery that I don't have multiple situations I need to deal with, I
only really have one. It came when my entire history and being resolved itself
into a single thought, a single defining moment, a single river I must wade
through completely of my own accord.
It came when I realised I have to tell someone how I feel about them. I would laugh if it wasn’t happening to me- there’s definitely a sense of full circle going on here. As Feist says, it potentially a situation of same feeling, opposite times. This needs some context …
It came when I realised I have to tell someone how I feel about them. I would laugh if it wasn’t happening to me- there’s definitely a sense of full circle going on here. As Feist says, it potentially a situation of same feeling, opposite times. This needs some context …
So pathetic. So insecure. So.... Small. It’s so unlike me,
to be this vulnerable, and this terrified of being vulnerable. More frequently
I have witnessed why people are unhappy, dishonest and such, and I believe I
have found the root of this problem. The “boson” particle of amateur
psychology.
The moment we fall from grace as conscious beings is the
moment we put up a wall around our heart. These walls of will are hardened by
dread, insecurity and plain old fear. We are taught to deny our true feelings,
to repress them because we are told that they are unjust, and wicked.
Apparently our true selves aren’t worthy of wider society, but this is
precisely the problem- the moment the way to our heart is blocked, we are
dishonest with ourselves. And that is the root of all dysfunction in human
nature- what could be more dysfunctional than that? When we do not accept a
situation as it is, we deny reality; we repress our true selves and true
status, in the hope of … well, nothing really. We just can’t face the facts,
and thus can’t face our true self. People lie, because they lie to themselves.
People hate what they see in others, what they condemn in themselves. Look at
the negative people in your immediate vicinity and you will know this to be
true. Your heart is the most powerful thing you possess, a flame that burns
hotter and brighter than rational thought from your brain, and longer than
physical prowess stemming from your physical body. Denying what is in our
hearts is akin to trying to suffocate a fire with a blanket- all it does is
produce massive amounts of smoke. And where does this smoke go? Up into our
head, clouding our judgement and scaring us into passivity, and making choices
that go against our “gut.” This “smoke” is where fear comes from, the sapping
of vital energy that turns your legs hollow and your stomach to jelly. Unless
of course, you tear down those walls that surround the nuclear furnace that is
your heart, and allow it to go supercritical. Let the flame consume your entire
being- all fears, thoughts and mind forms turn to nothing under the intense
heat. For me personally, if I know
what I want and I don't have it, fear becomes fury without effort, and fear is
a weapon that makes my intellect into a toy. And all the fear, fury and
subsequent emotions and thoughts are out
there, and your mind is now free of smoke, clear as a crystal bell. This is
a process that cannot truly be described by words, they only point to the
truth. You will have to know this to
have it occur, rather than just grasp it intellectually. Knowing is different from understanding,
because understanding is only getting something intellectually. And that is
such a narrow way of looking at things.
So how does this relate to the crystallisation? The, err,
subject of that revelation fits the bill of a person with a wall around their
heart. Not a cold individual by any means, but someone who cannot look into
their own heart. Who wouldn't know a metaphor if it bit them. Perhaps it stems
from being a woman who can think for herself, because this is treated as rare
and isolated in western society. As such, ordinary boys have ignored her, and
she has ever so slowly surrendered to a path of least resistance- giving up
chasing what her heart yearns for. People cover this us in a manner of ways,
and this is so with her, engaging in surface affairs with other men, disguised
as shallow friendships, pretending to be “one of the boys” for the sake of camouflage.
But it gives me pause to think of what she would do if she met someone that she
can trust with her heart, that most
prized possession of hers. I think that after so many years of running away
from it, she would barely recognise it anymore. And what happens after that
stage is completely beyond any tool I have to fathom, intellectual or
otherwise. That is my situation; that is what I’m truly afraid of. Jumping out
of a plane doesn’t scare me, running a marathon in mud doesn't scare me …
But telling somebody how I feel about them? And not having
the slightest idea what the answer could be? Well, that scares the living shit
out of me.
So what’s my next step? Well, I’ve actually written it out
for the world to see (if they so choose) so perhaps I can face it myself after
all. The only thing that makes me different from the normal dysfunctional
people is that I can face my own fear. Not only that, but I can look it in the
eye, and it doesn't even slow me down. But until I manifest all of that into a
single sentence, I am no better than anyone else. Because now I get to the
conclusion of this piece and see my own stupidity. I was dumb enough to
intellectualise it, to let the mental idea of this problem bounce around me
head until it rooted me to the ground, unable to act. To let it swirl around in
my head for months, slowly killing my chances for salvation, because salvation
was never a moment in time- salvation was always now.
I was stupid enough to think that I actually had a problem. Ha. No
more.
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