Future

Anais Nin wrote, "In the world of the dreamer there was solitude: all the exaltation's and joys came in the moment of preparation for living. They took place in solitude. But with action came anxiety, and the sense of insuperable effort made to match the dream, and with it came weariness, discouragement, and the flight into solitude again. And then in solitude, in the opium den of remembrance, the possibility of pleasure again." 


Her sentiment is frighteningly in tune with my plight at the moment. I'm in the plotting stage of the game, looking at pages and pages of potential university courses, alternate entry schemes, accommodation arrangements, etc, etc. And if I wasn't completely ecstatic about everything at present, all these moments of preparation would be quite daunting. But I am excited. I just poured my heart into this dream.


But what about my own score?? Where do I sit against the rest of Australia? To be honest, it is not something I'm proud of, nor something I am disappointed in. Considering I've basically only had 2 years of direction, and half- assed it for the majority of the year, it's actually encouraging. As the great "Don" once said, "Performance= potential- interference." This means that a) he is a very wise man, and b) I can continue to relish the challenge of getting more out of myself. As far as I'm concerned, I've got plenty more to give, and I am nowhere near done yet.


My most morbid fear of all is not spiders, the dark, or even confident women. It's actually peaking in High School. If the greatest accomplishments of my life were during this sheltered, restraining existence, then I wouldn't get very far. As I look around, I see people from our school, and other schools, getting ridiculously high ATAR's, and good on them for that. But really, what's the next step? Maybe most of the high school kids will thrive on the extra independence and responsibility, but what about the spoon-fed, babysat private school snobs, who will lose every security blanket they have? This re-assures me, giving me "the possibility of pleasure again."


Maybe someone else would dwell more on their score, possibly even be ashamed of it, but I'm ready to lock it, and all of high school, in a dusty old cupboard in some distant corner of my consciousness, because, my friends, there are far grander things out there than a stupid, insignificant little number discriminating you from the obsessive, nerdy freaks that lack life experience. I implore you all, dear readers, to simply forget about whatever your ATAR reflects; work ethic, potential or otherwise- and cash it in for a far grander prize; A truly bright future.


One final quote, for motivation. "Life is a process of becoming, a combination of states we have to go through. Where people fail is that they wish to elect a state and remain in it. This is a kind of death."

In the green again

Ah, there we go. Claritys returned, and I'm me again. 

Just a couple of quotes that are inspiring me as of now.

"I need a map of your head, translated into English, so I can learn to not make you frown."

"To resist is to piss in the wind. Anyone who does, will end up smelling."

"Get out from under precipice and see the sky."

"Forgive my indecision. I am only a man."

"I have an open-door policy when it comes to blame."

"This isn't coincidence. There's no such thing."

And here is an original- Genius is everywhere- if you can't find it, just take the shot with a wider- angle lense.

I'm back, baby

Zee Deevel

Let's play a game. See how many close friends you can really piss off and lose completely in a week.

Rules- You can't deliberately hurt anyone, it has to be completely unintentional and by accident.
Bonus points- if your attempts to rectify your mistakes fuck things up even more than before.
Apparently I'm getting rather good at it. In fact, I may have set a new record this week.

On a sidenote- what the hell am I doing wrong all of a sudden?

This week has been both the week in heaven and the week from hell. Either someones playing a sick, cruel, hideous joke on me, or I've pissed off the gods of life so much that I doubt I'll see next year. Every time I try to fix something I just stuff things up more.

I wish I could just go back a week, and forget everything from the last few days. Revitalising didn't work, and now all this stress is making me feel burnt out and hopeless. How quickly things can change for the worse.

Everyone has a devil inside of them, but its like mine has been dormant ever since this week, and it's conveniently decided to rip me a new one right in what should be the happiest two weeks of my life. Instead of spending amazing times with friends, I doubt I've got many left at all. I don't think I've ever felt this bad- everythings backfired, and I literally mean EVERYTHING.

The smallest little catalyst, the most insignificant of planning errors, and suddenly I've lost some of the people I care about the most. Do I really deserve this?

I wish I had Agoraphobia. That way I could just say inside for good.