This isn’t coincidence, there’s no such thing ...

My brother loves physics at the moment. So much so, that when I eventually return home he pesters me with distinct physics questions that, if he wasn’t so narrow-minded, would encroach on the territory of metaphysics and philosophy. One such discussion recently incurred a moment of crystallisation in my own being. Crystallisation, in this context, concerns the process of a highly saturated solution filled with solid to the point that it can no longer dissolve, and the slightest nudge of the glass causes the whole solution to immediately solidify and crystallise. It’s a moment of stark realisation. He was talking about kinetic energy, and how the total energy in must equal the total energy out, and so on and so forth.

Boom. Crystallisation.

For a while now I have been trying to pinpoint where I am in terms of maturity and character development, a completely futile exercise to be sure, so don’t even attempt it (the koan “what is the sound of one hand clapping?” springs to mind). This to me had seemed like the inelastic car crash Andrew was describing- I’m happier than I’ve ever been, I’m surrounded by fantastic people, I’m doing what I love and working, perfectly balancing seeking new friendships and experiences with cultivating the relationships and experiences that I already have. I am making inroads to that ultimate goal of getting 100% out of myself, and attacking everything that I do at 100% intensity. A lofty goal to be sure, but a noble one to strive for. Most interesting are the things I have been able to work out intellectually, although I shouldn’t be surprised at my capacity to do so. I realised some time ago that my intellect could only take me so far, like a fish that has swum upstream as far as it can, but cannot climb the mountain without evolving into something that breathes a different kind of oxygen. I sidestepped, disregarding my intellect and snapping back to the world of feelings and spontaneity. Even that didn’t work, but that’s another story. Only the ending matters here- no matter where I am, I’m almost content. Almost enlightened, almost at peace. There’s one little nagging thought at the back of my being, like the buzz of a fridge stopping one from hearing true silence. Not that anyone can know true silence, but that's a different matter. This crystallisation I speak of comes with the knowledge that there are no problems, per se, there are only situations that one either deals with immediately, or puts them out of ones mind until they can be dealt with in the now. This crystallisation came with the discovery that I don't have multiple situations I need to deal with, I only really have one. It came when my entire history and being resolved itself into a single thought, a single defining moment, a single river I must wade through completely of my own accord.

It came when I realised I have to tell someone how I feel about them. I would laugh if it wasn’t happening to me- there’s definitely a sense of full circle going on here. As Feist says, it potentially a situation of same feeling, opposite times. This needs some context …

So pathetic. So insecure. So.... Small. It’s so unlike me, to be this vulnerable, and this terrified of being vulnerable. More frequently I have witnessed why people are unhappy, dishonest and such, and I believe I have found the root of this problem. The “boson” particle of amateur psychology.

The moment we fall from grace as conscious beings is the moment we put up a wall around our heart. These walls of will are hardened by dread, insecurity and plain old fear. We are taught to deny our true feelings, to repress them because we are told that they are unjust, and wicked. Apparently our true selves aren’t worthy of wider society, but this is precisely the problem- the moment the way to our heart is blocked, we are dishonest with ourselves. And that is the root of all dysfunction in human nature- what could be more dysfunctional than that? When we do not accept a situation as it is, we deny reality; we repress our true selves and true status, in the hope of … well, nothing really. We just can’t face the facts, and thus can’t face our true self. People lie, because they lie to themselves. People hate what they see in others, what they condemn in themselves. Look at the negative people in your immediate vicinity and you will know this to be true. Your heart is the most powerful thing you possess, a flame that burns hotter and brighter than rational thought from your brain, and longer than physical prowess stemming from your physical body. Denying what is in our hearts is akin to trying to suffocate a fire with a blanket- all it does is produce massive amounts of smoke. And where does this smoke go? Up into our head, clouding our judgement and scaring us into passivity, and making choices that go against our “gut.” This “smoke” is where fear comes from, the sapping of vital energy that turns your legs hollow and your stomach to jelly. Unless of course, you tear down those walls that surround the nuclear furnace that is your heart, and allow it to go supercritical. Let the flame consume your entire being- all fears, thoughts and mind forms turn to nothing under the intense heat. For me personally, if I know what I want and I don't have it, fear becomes fury without effort, and fear is a weapon that makes my intellect into a toy. And all the fear, fury and subsequent emotions and thoughts are out there, and your mind is now free of smoke, clear as a crystal bell. This is a process that cannot truly be described by words, they only point to the truth. You will have to know this to have it occur, rather than just grasp it intellectually. Knowing is different from understanding, because understanding is only getting something intellectually. And that is such a narrow way of looking at things.

So how does this relate to the crystallisation? The, err, subject of that revelation fits the bill of a person with a wall around their heart. Not a cold individual by any means, but someone who cannot look into their own heart. Who wouldn't know a metaphor if it bit them. Perhaps it stems from being a woman who can think for herself, because this is treated as rare and isolated in western society. As such, ordinary boys have ignored her, and she has ever so slowly surrendered to a path of least resistance- giving up chasing what her heart yearns for. People cover this us in a manner of ways, and this is so with her, engaging in surface affairs with other men, disguised as shallow friendships, pretending to be “one of the boys” for the sake of camouflage. But it gives me pause to think of what she would do if she met someone that she can trust with her heart, that most prized possession of hers. I think that after so many years of running away from it, she would barely recognise it anymore. And what happens after that stage is completely beyond any tool I have to fathom, intellectual or otherwise. That is my situation; that is what I’m truly afraid of. Jumping out of a plane doesn’t scare me, running a marathon in mud doesn't scare me …

But telling somebody how I feel about them? And not having the slightest idea what the answer could be? Well, that scares the living shit out of me.

So what’s my next step? Well, I’ve actually written it out for the world to see (if they so choose) so perhaps I can face it myself after all. The only thing that makes me different from the normal dysfunctional people is that I can face my own fear. Not only that, but I can look it in the eye, and it doesn't even slow me down. But until I manifest all of that into a single sentence, I am no better than anyone else. Because now I get to the conclusion of this piece and see my own stupidity. I was dumb enough to intellectualise it, to let the mental idea of this problem bounce around me head until it rooted me to the ground, unable to act. To let it swirl around in my head for months, slowly killing my chances for salvation, because salvation was never a moment in time- salvation was always now. 

I was stupid enough to think that I actually had a problem. Ha. No more.

Zebra

How often do you get a blank canvas? Is the canvas white with black stripes, or black with white stripes?The few moments when you cast off the weight of the past, and begin to look at reality through the eyes of the present, are moments to be cherished. Annoyingly, it is painful how difficult they are to stimulate.

Tonight I sat in awe of a brilliant performance. Yes, the music was absolutely incredible, but what really caught and held my attention was his pure presence, his consciousness shining through at every opportunity. John Butler, a man of the moment, without letting up for a second. It is said that you have to see yourself in the reflection of a master, and connect with being through their own presence, and enter your own being through them. This is an ideal that became reality for me tonight, as I sat in a state of deep awe and happiness for the entirety of the performance. How on earth did that happen? And since when can I stop thinking for any amount of time?

That joy, as far as I can tell, stemmed from the feeling of being completely content in a moment. Not wishing that you were anywhere else, at another time or wearing a different shirt. You wanna know the best bit though?


Having someone to share it with.

Perhaps I'm less selfish than I thought after all. It's a slow, bumpy process, but I'm trending in the direction of the people I aspire to be like. Having said that, I do owe Claz an apology. That, unfortunately (or perhaps fortunately) was because of one small point in time when I wasn't in the moment, when instead of being aware of what was happening around me, I was thinking about myself. The unfortunate bit is that I had no control over what I was doing in that moment. The fortunate part is that I can recognise it as a problem now, so hopefully, in the infinitely small future, I can catch myself before I accidentally offend someone else.

No emotion in this piece for a change, it's receded for a little while, although when it comes flooding back I suspect it will be just as jumbled as before. Figuring out what you really want- why is it so fundamentally easy, yet so hard?

Final parting thought- The present moment is all you will ever have.

Perpetually Content?

Well hello there! Must say, it's been a long time between drinks. Forgive me for assuming that my life isn't worth 10 status updates or tweets a day. Twitter is like masturbating in a crowded public pool anyway- anyone that takes interest in what you're doing is even more messed up than you are. So, seeing as it's been a ridiculously long time between updates, I may as well file a progress report.

How many epiphany's can you have in one week? Not just a fleeting joyful moment, enough to radically change your way of thinking completely. My consciousness is shooting off on tangents I could never comprehend before. Situations are viewed differently, thoughts are clearer, and- most importunity- I finally know what I want. But more on that later.

I knew only having a week's worth of holiday over summer would pay dividends at some point (seriously, work full-time AND do a full-time study load? Who's stupid enough to do that- oh wait, that's right) even if the weather is more like appropriate for ice hockey. Turns out, it's all I need. How much of a gift is it to finally know what you want? Not convince your mind you want it through thoughts, but feel it somewhere deeper, in a place where the "mind" doesn't exist. I had such a moment recently.

Let me backtrack. So there I was, doing a weeks worth of cramming for my summer units at the caravan, pushing my intellect to its breaking point. Alas, there's one thing that hasn't changed- I still have a massive procrastination problem. I was walking along the beach trying to clear my head, when I happened to glance up at the bluff at the same time a ray of sunlight broke through a thunderhead. It was such a beautiful sight, my mind emptied. There I was, as content in a moment as I'd ever been. That's not the interesting bit, however. After some infinitely small or long amount of time, I found within myself, deep down where thoughts cease to exist, wishing I had someone to share it with. I'm not sure whether it was someone in particular, or just the idea of someone, but there was certainly a gap recognisable, like my partial mind needed completion from an external source. In retrospect, it's actually quite hilarious how the world works.

Finally, I understand. For at least 2 months now I've been endlessly debating in my head issues of proximity, time, friendship, risk, finance, you name it. Even Michael Hurley's best position, key forward or key back. Actually, that last ones irrelevant, ignore that. Now I know what to aim for, I can finally decide what to do. After all, doing and happening are in essence the same thing. Now, time to sort that out.

I should probably explain why the title is how it is. Someone remarked it the other day, that because I always find myself in the weird position of giving advice on matters of philosophy and emotional states(I admit, I actually suck at it, but I'm really good at sucking at it!) that by comparison, to almost everyone else, I am perpetually content. Now how could that be? For me that means something close to enlightenment, which I highly doubt I'll ever find while I still have things to achieve in the physical world. It almost seems selfish, meditating your way into bliss while millions of other people get fucked over by horrible circumstances every day ... but back to the point, I am now officially the "zen" one of the group. I have no idea how it came to be, but ... I like it. It's a good thing to aim for. But on the other hand, all of the best competitors in the world are never content- that's how they achieve great things. And I genuinely believe I'm in the top 1% of the human race for competitiveness, yet I'm not outwardly the slightest bit aggressive- I'm actually quite placid. Somehow, I need to get these two mindsets to co-exist, and enhance the quality of the other, without compromising it. Possibly my greatest challenge yet ...

So that's it for now, and please forgive me if I missed anything, I ate the brown acid at Woodstock in '69 and can scarcely remember my own name.