Well hello there! Must say, it's been a long time between drinks. Forgive me for assuming that my life isn't worth 10 status updates or tweets a day. Twitter is like masturbating in a crowded public pool anyway- anyone that takes interest in what you're doing is even more messed up than you are. So, seeing as it's been a ridiculously long time between updates, I may as well file a progress report.
How many epiphany's can you have in one week? Not just a fleeting joyful moment, enough to radically change your way of thinking completely. My consciousness is shooting off on tangents I could never comprehend before. Situations are viewed differently, thoughts are clearer, and- most importunity- I finally know what I want. But more on that later.
I knew only having a week's worth of holiday over summer would pay dividends at some point (seriously, work full-time AND do a full-time study load? Who's stupid enough to do that- oh wait, that's right) even if the weather is more like appropriate for ice hockey. Turns out, it's all I need. How much of a gift is it to finally know what you want? Not convince your mind you want it through thoughts, but feel it somewhere deeper, in a place where the "mind" doesn't exist. I had such a moment recently.
Let me backtrack. So there I was, doing a weeks worth of cramming for my summer units at the caravan, pushing my intellect to its breaking point. Alas, there's one thing that hasn't changed- I still have a massive procrastination problem. I was walking along the beach trying to clear my head, when I happened to glance up at the bluff at the same time a ray of sunlight broke through a thunderhead. It was such a beautiful sight, my mind emptied. There I was, as content in a moment as I'd ever been. That's not the interesting bit, however. After some infinitely small or long amount of time, I found within myself, deep down where thoughts cease to exist, wishing I had someone to share it with. I'm not sure whether it was someone in particular, or just the idea of someone, but there was certainly a gap recognisable, like my partial mind needed completion from an external source. In retrospect, it's actually quite hilarious how the world works.
Finally, I understand. For at least 2 months now I've been endlessly debating in my head issues of proximity, time, friendship, risk, finance, you name it. Even Michael Hurley's best position, key forward or key back. Actually, that last ones irrelevant, ignore that. Now I know what to aim for, I can finally decide what to do. After all, doing and happening are in essence the same thing. Now, time to sort that out.
I should probably explain why the title is how it is. Someone remarked it the other day, that because I always find myself in the weird position of giving advice on matters of philosophy and emotional states(I admit, I actually suck at it, but I'm really good at sucking at it!) that by comparison, to almost everyone else, I am perpetually content. Now how could that be? For me that means something close to enlightenment, which I highly doubt I'll ever find while I still have things to achieve in the physical world. It almost seems selfish, meditating your way into bliss while millions of other people get fucked over by horrible circumstances every day ... but back to the point, I am now officially the "zen" one of the group. I have no idea how it came to be, but ... I like it. It's a good thing to aim for. But on the other hand, all of the best competitors in the world are never content- that's how they achieve great things. And I genuinely believe I'm in the top 1% of the human race for competitiveness, yet I'm not outwardly the slightest bit aggressive- I'm actually quite placid. Somehow, I need to get these two mindsets to co-exist, and enhance the quality of the other, without compromising it. Possibly my greatest challenge yet ...
So that's it for now, and please forgive me if I missed anything, I ate the brown acid at Woodstock in '69 and can scarcely remember my own name.
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