Lights Part 2

"The more we learn, the more we understand how much we do not know."

Just a couple of points that that I couldn't cover before tea, continuing this contradiction theme.

One; Which category would I want to fit into?

Two; Which category am I?

Three; Which category am I perceived as?

Perhaps out of the depth of these three raises another question? Can one fit equally into both, and excel at both? I might answer that later, if I feel like it. So first of all to answer question 1-

I can't choose between them, simple as that. There are obvious benefits to both, but what weighs more heavily on my mind, for some eclectic reason, are the drawbacks. First, the intelligent category, people that are piercing and sharp and detailed and ...... icy? For lack of a better word. But there's no denying that most really, really bright people are pessimistic by nature, not necessarily selfish but often have an underlying negative attitude. Thom Yorke, Kurt Cobain, George Orwell, Albert Einstein ...... it's an exhaustive list. Perhaps we can see everything that is wrong with the world, and everything that is wrong with ourselves, and those around us, and we eventually come to the disturbing notion that, try as we may, we cannot fix everything. Certainly one I'm still struggling with is the notion that I cannot help everyone, that I cannot possibly, try as I may, stay friends with everyone that means something to me. I could begin a hundred new projects, and pour over them all endlessly, but there's still the bitter realisation that I couldn't possibly finish them all. Perhaps it's my own experiences with others, but discussing large world issues and notions lacks ............ intimacy? Is that the right word? All I know really is that some people after a few minutes of everyday pleasantries and conversation make me want to push them off a cliff, or roll them down a mountain. It seems that at the summit of intelligence the temperature is icier, the falls more dangerous, and the air harder to breathe.

Well, what about the other category, the happy- go- lucky? After all the talk of cold, the idea of people being always warm and fuzzy towards you is certainly appealing. It's warming and ..... well, fuzzy. Fuzzy like blurred edges on a photo, or distortion clouding precise musical notes. It feels good in the moment, and certainly creates an uplifting feeling while the songs playing but ....... once it's over, you realise that what you've heard is overwhelmingly simple, and designed to hit the ears of mediocre minds. Having a few beers with the lads is always fun .... whilst drunk. Everyones your mate when you've been drinking, and every decision you make feels good, and right ...... but you always wake up the next day feeling sick, sore, with crater sized wholes in your memory and the eventual realisation that most of the people you met must think that you're a mess, stupid and irresponsible. Brendan Fevola felt good urinating on a shop window resisting arrest, yet the aftermath has caused severe depression and ripped his AFL career into pieces. Hannah Montana sings about the glorified Hollywood teen lifestyle and how good it is, yet the general public still understand that she is a fraud, a fake, a figurehead for an ultimately corrupt industry and culture. We all make stupid decisions, but why do we make them? Because it feels fantastic at the point of decision, and we lack the foresight to see the consequences of our actions.

Perhaps it's either intimacy or isolation. Now that's a disturbing thought. No, that's not right. Maybe it's two clear, equal and opposite states of mind- Punch Drunk, or Sober with Loneliness. And can the two be intertwined? To make choices that feel good in the middle of the night, and wake up the next morning with that same smile on your face? Maybe that's a little utopian. So to answer question 1- I would rather fit into both, or neither at all, because to alienate half of who I am isn't going to make life easy for me.

Okay, now to answer questions 2 and 3, and now we see a return of the contradiction theme. Try as I may, I have never been able to conform to a singular subset of people, or just one culture of people. Jocks and blokes in general say I look, walk and talk like a footballer, yet am amazed when they feel my mind at work. Science nerds who see my mind buzzing away at problems are surprised when I reveal my love for music, and for art in general. And, to complete the circle, artists and musicians find it weird that I row, and have a deep attachment to Aussie Rules. See the problem yet? No matter where I go, I'm never quite fitting in. Always close, but no cigar. I can go from quantum mechanics to Ricky Ponting in the same sentence, and I think it's a talent, but it's a hindrance, an alienating factor. After all,

Unless I find people that understand each end of the sentence ... unless there's a group of people out there just as diverse and sporadic as I am, yet just as driven. I've met a few, and I wish I could meet a few more. Other people that in the middle of an busy executive boardroom, would be busy planning their next escape to a quiet pocket of solitude in the country. Yet somehow, at the same time, could be in the middle of the ocean on a surfboard, in a tranquil, peaceful corner of the world, and still be thinking about the world's problems and how best to fix them.

Gargh, I sound like a whiny, incoherent douchebag when I get on a roll. I probably should invest in an off switch. So in answer to these questions; 1- both, and neither, 2- no idea, 3- all. Man, I should really get around to writing some songs, somehow extracting and mining all the ore buried in my consciousness and seeing if there's any diamonds or gold. Oh wait, I need to be good at guitar first. Oh bugger. Hindsight is a bitch. I think far too much for my own good. That concludes today's presentation, and try to not let Godzilla step on you before next we meet!

Peace niggas!