Lights Part 2

"The more we learn, the more we understand how much we do not know."

Just a couple of points that that I couldn't cover before tea, continuing this contradiction theme.

One; Which category would I want to fit into?

Two; Which category am I?

Three; Which category am I perceived as?

Perhaps out of the depth of these three raises another question? Can one fit equally into both, and excel at both? I might answer that later, if I feel like it. So first of all to answer question 1-

I can't choose between them, simple as that. There are obvious benefits to both, but what weighs more heavily on my mind, for some eclectic reason, are the drawbacks. First, the intelligent category, people that are piercing and sharp and detailed and ...... icy? For lack of a better word. But there's no denying that most really, really bright people are pessimistic by nature, not necessarily selfish but often have an underlying negative attitude. Thom Yorke, Kurt Cobain, George Orwell, Albert Einstein ...... it's an exhaustive list. Perhaps we can see everything that is wrong with the world, and everything that is wrong with ourselves, and those around us, and we eventually come to the disturbing notion that, try as we may, we cannot fix everything. Certainly one I'm still struggling with is the notion that I cannot help everyone, that I cannot possibly, try as I may, stay friends with everyone that means something to me. I could begin a hundred new projects, and pour over them all endlessly, but there's still the bitter realisation that I couldn't possibly finish them all. Perhaps it's my own experiences with others, but discussing large world issues and notions lacks ............ intimacy? Is that the right word? All I know really is that some people after a few minutes of everyday pleasantries and conversation make me want to push them off a cliff, or roll them down a mountain. It seems that at the summit of intelligence the temperature is icier, the falls more dangerous, and the air harder to breathe.

Well, what about the other category, the happy- go- lucky? After all the talk of cold, the idea of people being always warm and fuzzy towards you is certainly appealing. It's warming and ..... well, fuzzy. Fuzzy like blurred edges on a photo, or distortion clouding precise musical notes. It feels good in the moment, and certainly creates an uplifting feeling while the songs playing but ....... once it's over, you realise that what you've heard is overwhelmingly simple, and designed to hit the ears of mediocre minds. Having a few beers with the lads is always fun .... whilst drunk. Everyones your mate when you've been drinking, and every decision you make feels good, and right ...... but you always wake up the next day feeling sick, sore, with crater sized wholes in your memory and the eventual realisation that most of the people you met must think that you're a mess, stupid and irresponsible. Brendan Fevola felt good urinating on a shop window resisting arrest, yet the aftermath has caused severe depression and ripped his AFL career into pieces. Hannah Montana sings about the glorified Hollywood teen lifestyle and how good it is, yet the general public still understand that she is a fraud, a fake, a figurehead for an ultimately corrupt industry and culture. We all make stupid decisions, but why do we make them? Because it feels fantastic at the point of decision, and we lack the foresight to see the consequences of our actions.

Perhaps it's either intimacy or isolation. Now that's a disturbing thought. No, that's not right. Maybe it's two clear, equal and opposite states of mind- Punch Drunk, or Sober with Loneliness. And can the two be intertwined? To make choices that feel good in the middle of the night, and wake up the next morning with that same smile on your face? Maybe that's a little utopian. So to answer question 1- I would rather fit into both, or neither at all, because to alienate half of who I am isn't going to make life easy for me.

Okay, now to answer questions 2 and 3, and now we see a return of the contradiction theme. Try as I may, I have never been able to conform to a singular subset of people, or just one culture of people. Jocks and blokes in general say I look, walk and talk like a footballer, yet am amazed when they feel my mind at work. Science nerds who see my mind buzzing away at problems are surprised when I reveal my love for music, and for art in general. And, to complete the circle, artists and musicians find it weird that I row, and have a deep attachment to Aussie Rules. See the problem yet? No matter where I go, I'm never quite fitting in. Always close, but no cigar. I can go from quantum mechanics to Ricky Ponting in the same sentence, and I think it's a talent, but it's a hindrance, an alienating factor. After all,

Unless I find people that understand each end of the sentence ... unless there's a group of people out there just as diverse and sporadic as I am, yet just as driven. I've met a few, and I wish I could meet a few more. Other people that in the middle of an busy executive boardroom, would be busy planning their next escape to a quiet pocket of solitude in the country. Yet somehow, at the same time, could be in the middle of the ocean on a surfboard, in a tranquil, peaceful corner of the world, and still be thinking about the world's problems and how best to fix them.

Gargh, I sound like a whiny, incoherent douchebag when I get on a roll. I probably should invest in an off switch. So in answer to these questions; 1- both, and neither, 2- no idea, 3- all. Man, I should really get around to writing some songs, somehow extracting and mining all the ore buried in my consciousness and seeing if there's any diamonds or gold. Oh wait, I need to be good at guitar first. Oh bugger. Hindsight is a bitch. I think far too much for my own good. That concludes today's presentation, and try to not let Godzilla step on you before next we meet!

Peace niggas!

Lights

"I am, one big, walking chemical reaction."
"I am, just a fleeting neon road sign attraction."
"I am, one big, fleeting errant contradiction."

Humans are funny creatures, aren't they? We're infinitely complex, with every goal, need, emotion, interaction and action wrapped up in the big, somewhat dirty intertwined rainforest that represents our lives.  I'm even confusing myself these days. One part of me wants to rush into the big city and begin a thousand crazy construction projects and begin to attack work with the momentum of a freight train, Yet, curiously, the other half of me wants to move to a small shack by a nice beach, and spend the rest of my days doing nothing but surfing, playing guitar and reading various books. It's like the pace of modern society has no appeal to me whatsoever- I'm either moving fast beyond it, at the speed of light, or slower than continental drift. And naturally, society would be inclined to reject me, to turn away this extremist. Perhaps I need to work on a sense of duality- seeing if these two archetypes that encapsulate my underlying consciousness can work together, in harmony, for the good of myself and those in close proximity.

I had a lovely reminder today of just how unbelievably intelligent some of my close friends are today, and I consider myself extremely fortunate. I don't know why I can fit in with such geniuses, yet somehow, inexplicably, I can understand both to an extent that most people cannot. One with an intellect like a laser beam; impossibly strong and focused, able to burn a hole through a wall, yet  very narrow. Perhaps that's just a trait of engineers. The other, on the other hand, was much broader by comparison, not necessarily less potent, but much more diverse in nature. Following the light metaphor, the latter represents more of a flickering candle- not as powerful in terms of output, yet still hot enough to burn your hand, and with the added bonus of illuminating all of the space around it. Creating ever- changing shadows, flickering constantly as it searches for the elusive consistency and certainty that the laser always has, yet knows no other way.

So where do I fit into this metaphor? I guess I'm somewhat of a pivot point, the fulcrum of a lever with the candle on one side, and the laser on the other side. I can't really think of a metaphor describing me, but more importantly, I can still be awed at the sheer miracles that both sides could produce. Both of which are lights would help illuminate oneself, even merely through basic human interaction.

Moving on now, as I wondered in awe as to how smart these people were, that although most of my friends have a "piercing" and "powerful" intellect, not all of my friends do. Perhaps it's just not in a way that's noticeable to me, but I still felt guilty and ashamed upon reflection- that intellect was the only thing that I valued. This got me thinking again- is there a single underlying trait that deems a persons success, perspective, generosity and outlook? Maybe there is. I now considered two of my closest mates, who wouldn't fit in the same category as those with devastating galaxies sitting above their shoulders. These aforementioned two mates are both enlisting in the army, yet are just as "good" (I use good in this sense as a word that summarises my previous underlying traits in humans) and kind to others, and I find just as easy to get along with. They are both hard as nails, determined, have insatiable work ethics (when pointed in the right direction) and possessing great strength of character. So now I ask myself where I fit in with these lads- am I strong enough to go through what they are about to undertake?

Now I'm really confused (which is seeming to happen more frequently) as to which category I would rather fit into. Strength of Mind, or Strength of Character? This isn't to suggest that there is a deficit in the alternate personality trait, yet merely to acknowledge ones strength. Who would I rather be? And which one am I actually?

Uh god, my head hurts. Time to go and eat some dinner and participate in much simpler things.

Peace niggas :D

"You're the size of a planet, but inside you're just, so, small!"

Predictions are almost never true. I guess it's futile for any of us to even bother trying to guess how the future is going to unfold, and react accordingly. How can you fill in the blanks of a jigsaw puzzle when it consists of billions upon billions of pieces?

Let me backtrack a few days. In recent times I've talked to a few close friends, who will go unnamed out of respect for their privacy, about things that haven't gone "according to plan" in their adopted idea of a successful life. One was university based, one was friendship based. And upon discussing said topics with aforementioned people, I wondered why on earth I wasn't on the other side of the conversation.

Let me backtrack to the start of this year. It's perhaps no real secret that I didn't achieve that annoying little number out of 100 that my entire schooling life was based upon. Whether it was because of the cold I got over the exam period, or simply due to inadequate preparation and study, I can't really be sure. But I sat speechless and insecure, mind whirling through a thousand different possibilities, on the fateful morning that I received my fateful little number by text message. I found most of my friends with smiling, satisfied faces, "clearly in" the courses that they were aiming for. And I simply smiled too, and mumbled some empty banter about not being sure about how successful I was. And over the summer, while everyone sat back and drank to their successes and dreamt accordingly, I spent the whole time at the beach worrying, and frantically planning for the worst of outcomes. Then January 17th popped around, and I was stuck with the bitter realisation that I had missed out on my top preference in Melbourne, and instead would be whisked off to a completely different town with no-one that I was close mates with to lean upon. Yet I didn't sulk, complain, blame or resent, I just grit my teeth, put my head down, and thrust myself onto a road that I, for once in my life, had no understanding of where it would lead. It's funny, at least now upon reflection, that I chose Melbourne first only because most of my close friends would be going there too. The company of people like me, that I can trust, enjoy their company, and lean on when times get hard.

How wrong I was

I got to Geelong with a course that I soon discovered that not only was better in the long-term aspects of employment and industry relevance, but at it's essence is something that I am both good at and enjoy. Tick. Not only that, but I found myself living with an entirely new group of people, and to be honest the whole experience has been exhilirating. It's difficult to explain, but let me try anyway; how we are viewed by our friends and those that are close to us is an opinion formed over the time that we know each other. How we are viewed and judged by our friends is something that we may not have immediate control over, and is formed over our last year, or years. Ultimately, our history is what we are remembered for. But all of a sudden, I was thrust in with an entirely new group of people, and a new opportunity to see who I really am, at this point in time. Basically, it means that I can take a snapshot of who I am now at this exact point in time. And, refreshingly, it's someone who I am a little surprised at, but pleased with all the same. Instead of a boring old journal on my personal history hundreds of pages long, I instead get a snapshot pushed under my nose. Vibrant, Colourful. Far more descriptive than anything else I could hope for.

Who wouldn't like the opportunity to change something about themselves, right? Imagine if you could change from an introvert to a talker? Or a slacker to a professional? Or go from uptight and serious to relaxed and peaceful? It's an opportunity anyone wise would jump at. It seems, for better or worse, that I am more diplomatic and easy-going, and get along with everyone in a really good way. The only drawback is when people come running to me to bitch about other people. What more can I do than nod my head and mumble? The most intriguing thing, however, is when I return occasionally to the people I've known for longer, and the first thing they say is "Jimmy! You look like a surfer now! My god, look how much you've changed?" My answer to that is simply; I am still the same person, but you're shining a different light upon me. You're seeing the picture of now, rather than the story of before. Funny how perspective can alter things. 

Which brings us to the irony. In all my pedantic insecurity and worrying, I honestly thought I would be the one that hit roadblocks before anyone else, and would turn to others seeking advice. Maybe I'm more repulsed by it than I should be, but that comes to masculinity and "bro" nature. The people I picked as the most stable and most likely to succeed in this foreign new world called "Uni" all of a sudden aren't coping as well as I thought? Maybe that serves me right, trying to predict things. The bottom line in all of this? Well, that's far simpler than it may appear. If either of you are reading this, you are far too intelligent, talented and driven to be plagued by the anchoring of self- doubt. If you ever think that you aren't smart enough, aren't good enough or cannot climb the mountain ahead, I will personally lock you in a room full of spiders until you think otherwise, then slap you. Okay, maybe not the last bit. But just remember that I am always willing to help, because if not for some eclectic twist of my fate and future I should be standing in your place, at the other side of the conversation. You don't owe me anything, and I will only really be happy when you are.

Which brings me to my final point for today (even though technically speaking it is changing days at the time of writing). My greatest discovery of this year, and perhaps so far, is finally understanding what actually makes me happy. It's so big and complicated, yet so simple. I am only going to be happy if others around me are happy. Hey, I've finally become selfless. About time too, a bloated ego is the last thing I need right now. Although having said that, I've used the term "I" 93 times in this post already. Fuck. An ego like that and I should be a rockstar or something, I really must address that. But until the next quote, keep happy and focused, and remember that despite what we may fleetingly think, we are all so much bigger on the inside. 

Oh, and if anyone feels the need to slap me, or kick me in the testicles with a steel- clad shoe, please get it over and done with as quickly as possible.

 

Peace niggas,

Jimmy