Lights

"I am, one big, walking chemical reaction."
"I am, just a fleeting neon road sign attraction."
"I am, one big, fleeting errant contradiction."

Humans are funny creatures, aren't they? We're infinitely complex, with every goal, need, emotion, interaction and action wrapped up in the big, somewhat dirty intertwined rainforest that represents our lives.  I'm even confusing myself these days. One part of me wants to rush into the big city and begin a thousand crazy construction projects and begin to attack work with the momentum of a freight train, Yet, curiously, the other half of me wants to move to a small shack by a nice beach, and spend the rest of my days doing nothing but surfing, playing guitar and reading various books. It's like the pace of modern society has no appeal to me whatsoever- I'm either moving fast beyond it, at the speed of light, or slower than continental drift. And naturally, society would be inclined to reject me, to turn away this extremist. Perhaps I need to work on a sense of duality- seeing if these two archetypes that encapsulate my underlying consciousness can work together, in harmony, for the good of myself and those in close proximity.

I had a lovely reminder today of just how unbelievably intelligent some of my close friends are today, and I consider myself extremely fortunate. I don't know why I can fit in with such geniuses, yet somehow, inexplicably, I can understand both to an extent that most people cannot. One with an intellect like a laser beam; impossibly strong and focused, able to burn a hole through a wall, yet  very narrow. Perhaps that's just a trait of engineers. The other, on the other hand, was much broader by comparison, not necessarily less potent, but much more diverse in nature. Following the light metaphor, the latter represents more of a flickering candle- not as powerful in terms of output, yet still hot enough to burn your hand, and with the added bonus of illuminating all of the space around it. Creating ever- changing shadows, flickering constantly as it searches for the elusive consistency and certainty that the laser always has, yet knows no other way.

So where do I fit into this metaphor? I guess I'm somewhat of a pivot point, the fulcrum of a lever with the candle on one side, and the laser on the other side. I can't really think of a metaphor describing me, but more importantly, I can still be awed at the sheer miracles that both sides could produce. Both of which are lights would help illuminate oneself, even merely through basic human interaction.

Moving on now, as I wondered in awe as to how smart these people were, that although most of my friends have a "piercing" and "powerful" intellect, not all of my friends do. Perhaps it's just not in a way that's noticeable to me, but I still felt guilty and ashamed upon reflection- that intellect was the only thing that I valued. This got me thinking again- is there a single underlying trait that deems a persons success, perspective, generosity and outlook? Maybe there is. I now considered two of my closest mates, who wouldn't fit in the same category as those with devastating galaxies sitting above their shoulders. These aforementioned two mates are both enlisting in the army, yet are just as "good" (I use good in this sense as a word that summarises my previous underlying traits in humans) and kind to others, and I find just as easy to get along with. They are both hard as nails, determined, have insatiable work ethics (when pointed in the right direction) and possessing great strength of character. So now I ask myself where I fit in with these lads- am I strong enough to go through what they are about to undertake?

Now I'm really confused (which is seeming to happen more frequently) as to which category I would rather fit into. Strength of Mind, or Strength of Character? This isn't to suggest that there is a deficit in the alternate personality trait, yet merely to acknowledge ones strength. Who would I rather be? And which one am I actually?

Uh god, my head hurts. Time to go and eat some dinner and participate in much simpler things.

Peace niggas :D