Let me backtrack a few days. In recent times I've talked to a few close friends, who will go unnamed out of respect for their privacy, about things that haven't gone "according to plan" in their adopted idea of a successful life. One was university based, one was friendship based. And upon discussing said topics with aforementioned people, I wondered why on earth I wasn't on the other side of the conversation.
Let me backtrack to the start of this year. It's perhaps no real secret that I didn't achieve that annoying little number out of 100 that my entire schooling life was based upon. Whether it was because of the cold I got over the exam period, or simply due to inadequate preparation and study, I can't really be sure. But I sat speechless and insecure, mind whirling through a thousand different possibilities, on the fateful morning that I received my fateful little number by text message. I found most of my friends with smiling, satisfied faces, "clearly in" the courses that they were aiming for. And I simply smiled too, and mumbled some empty banter about not being sure about how successful I was. And over the summer, while everyone sat back and drank to their successes and dreamt accordingly, I spent the whole time at the beach worrying, and frantically planning for the worst of outcomes. Then January 17th popped around, and I was stuck with the bitter realisation that I had missed out on my top preference in Melbourne, and instead would be whisked off to a completely different town with no-one that I was close mates with to lean upon. Yet I didn't sulk, complain, blame or resent, I just grit my teeth, put my head down, and thrust myself onto a road that I, for once in my life, had no understanding of where it would lead. It's funny, at least now upon reflection, that I chose Melbourne first only because most of my close friends would be going there too. The company of people like me, that I can trust, enjoy their company, and lean on when times get hard.
How wrong I was
I got to Geelong with a course that I soon discovered that not only was better in the long-term aspects of employment and industry relevance, but at it's essence is something that I am both good at and enjoy. Tick. Not only that, but I found myself living with an entirely new group of people, and to be honest the whole experience has been exhilirating. It's difficult to explain, but let me try anyway; how we are viewed by our friends and those that are close to us is an opinion formed over the time that we know each other. How we are viewed and judged by our friends is something that we may not have immediate control over, and is formed over our last year, or years. Ultimately, our history is what we are remembered for. But all of a sudden, I was thrust in with an entirely new group of people, and a new opportunity to see who I really am, at this point in time. Basically, it means that I can take a snapshot of who I am now at this exact point in time. And, refreshingly, it's someone who I am a little surprised at, but pleased with all the same. Instead of a boring old journal on my personal history hundreds of pages long, I instead get a snapshot pushed under my nose. Vibrant, Colourful. Far more descriptive than anything else I could hope for.
Who wouldn't like the opportunity to change something about themselves, right? Imagine if you could change from an introvert to a talker? Or a slacker to a professional? Or go from uptight and serious to relaxed and peaceful? It's an opportunity anyone wise would jump at. It seems, for better or worse, that I am more diplomatic and easy-going, and get along with everyone in a really good way. The only drawback is when people come running to me to bitch about other people. What more can I do than nod my head and mumble? The most intriguing thing, however, is when I return occasionally to the people I've known for longer, and the first thing they say is "Jimmy! You look like a surfer now! My god, look how much you've changed?" My answer to that is simply; I am still the same person, but you're shining a different light upon me. You're seeing the picture of now, rather than the story of before. Funny how perspective can alter things.
Which brings us to the irony. In all my pedantic insecurity and worrying, I honestly thought I would be the one that hit roadblocks before anyone else, and would turn to others seeking advice. Maybe I'm more repulsed by it than I should be, but that comes to masculinity and "bro" nature. The people I picked as the most stable and most likely to succeed in this foreign new world called "Uni" all of a sudden aren't coping as well as I thought? Maybe that serves me right, trying to predict things. The bottom line in all of this? Well, that's far simpler than it may appear. If either of you are reading this, you are far too intelligent, talented and driven to be plagued by the anchoring of self- doubt. If you ever think that you aren't smart enough, aren't good enough or cannot climb the mountain ahead, I will personally lock you in a room full of spiders until you think otherwise, then slap you. Okay, maybe not the last bit. But just remember that I am always willing to help, because if not for some eclectic twist of my fate and future I should be standing in your place, at the other side of the conversation. You don't owe me anything, and I will only really be happy when you are.
Which brings me to my final point for today (even though technically speaking it is changing days at the time of writing). My greatest discovery of this year, and perhaps so far, is finally understanding what actually makes me happy. It's so big and complicated, yet so simple. I am only going to be happy if others around me are happy. Hey, I've finally become selfless. About time too, a bloated ego is the last thing I need right now. Although having said that, I've used the term "I" 93 times in this post already. Fuck. An ego like that and I should be a rockstar or something, I really must address that. But until the next quote, keep happy and focused, and remember that despite what we may fleetingly think, we are all so much bigger on the inside.
Oh, and if anyone feels the need to slap me, or kick me in the testicles with a steel- clad shoe, please get it over and done with as quickly as possible.
Peace niggas,
Jimmy
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