"The only thing I fear in this world is the day I reach my potential- because what more is there in life?"

Damnit, why do I have my most insightful, wise thoughts when I'm mildly hungover? You know, at the point when the lingering taste of alcohol and vomit from the night before mixes and sticks to the back of your throat giving you the strange aftertaste and texture of chunky peanut butter? That's the best I can describe it I reckon.

But seriously, it's amazing how clear the world gets when you forget about assignments and university, fuel and savings, just to stop and reflect on where it's at, generally speaking. Everyone is moving so fast, running flat nakka in a direction no- one really understands, and when I'm hungover it's like I've finally heard someone screaming "SLOW THE FUCK DOWN!!" at me and I've responded accordingly. People marvel at my will to live after a munted night out, but in all truth I probably enjoy being hungover more than being drunk. Alcohol doesn't really provide a buzz for me anymore- there's no kick of excitement. I don't even feel drunk when I'm staggering and spewing everywhere. Yet the morning after is when I feel the most prosperous. Like I can finally see through the fog I've created around my head with stress, university and other such trivial things.
I think Geelong is the source of this newly discovered perspective. Must be the sea air or something, because I've never felt this relaxed, chilled out, but at the same time intensely focused in my life. I've found my place of zen, to an extent, and hopefully the rest of this year will revolve around discovering what that entails. Hmmmm, I'm going to expand on this when I get home.

Oh, and if anyone is actually bothering to read this, No I am not high. Why would I bother, when I can trip out naturally?

Peace,
Jimmy

Family

Family. It's funny how quickly we all forget their importance, especially in my case when I'm spending more and more time away from Ballarat. But the guidance of my grandparents, uncles and aunts becomes ever more priceless the less I hear them. Their ability to keep my feet on the ground while my heart is in the clouds is something I cherish more and more every day I'm at uni. Sadly they may not be around too much longer .... making this time even more important.

Don't forget who really matters ...

Doors

They're an anomaly of the modern world, doors. All corridors and passageways are one way to these strange, ungainly dividers that separate us from whatever is outside, or wherever we want to go. Once upon a time we were taught to walk through these doors all by ourselves, to force our way through with sheer force of willpower. Nowadays, however, it seems that we're so used to having our doors slide open automatically for us, that we forget to go to the small effort of turning the handle to get to where they want to go. I've witnessed so many people baffled by the immense conundrum of a door that doesn't open automatically for them, no matter how hard they stomp on the ground. It's actually quite sad, that we've forgotten how to force our way through doors to get what we want.

Some people say that when Life closes a door, it (he, she they?) opens a window. Which is another issue altogether, aren't we only supposed to walk through doors? Doors are plain, boring and overly depressing, giving no impression of the destination that we are nosediving towards. Windows are just for looking through, right? Thats why, personally, I find windows so much more interesting from a design point of view than a door, because windows give us a rare insight that a door can never hope to achieve-

Windows give us a view of the world outside, beyond. Perhaps even a glimmer of our destination. Windows allow us to dream, allow us to hope- when the inside world is cold, grey and depressing, the sunlight streaming through, the window illuminates the outside environment in all of its infinite glory. Reality, it seems, is much more complex, beautiful and unfathomable than the reality that we're taught to deal with.

But windows aren't for climbing through!!! Society yells at us. Why climb through a window when you can walk through a door? However, I would much prefer to be reminded of what I am chasing by looking through the window. What hope can we possibly have when we're told to shut the blinds because too much light is streaming through?The light blinds you on your way to your destination, Western Culture says. But fuck it. I would rather open the window and smell the fresh air beyond. Fuck conforming to the doors, I can get outside much quicker by climbing through a window. That's where we all really want to end up, isn't it?

Outside?

God I love it when the uni library door breaks xD

What were you thinking of?

Future

Anais Nin wrote, "In the world of the dreamer there was solitude: all the exaltation's and joys came in the moment of preparation for living. They took place in solitude. But with action came anxiety, and the sense of insuperable effort made to match the dream, and with it came weariness, discouragement, and the flight into solitude again. And then in solitude, in the opium den of remembrance, the possibility of pleasure again." 


Her sentiment is frighteningly in tune with my plight at the moment. I'm in the plotting stage of the game, looking at pages and pages of potential university courses, alternate entry schemes, accommodation arrangements, etc, etc. And if I wasn't completely ecstatic about everything at present, all these moments of preparation would be quite daunting. But I am excited. I just poured my heart into this dream.


But what about my own score?? Where do I sit against the rest of Australia? To be honest, it is not something I'm proud of, nor something I am disappointed in. Considering I've basically only had 2 years of direction, and half- assed it for the majority of the year, it's actually encouraging. As the great "Don" once said, "Performance= potential- interference." This means that a) he is a very wise man, and b) I can continue to relish the challenge of getting more out of myself. As far as I'm concerned, I've got plenty more to give, and I am nowhere near done yet.


My most morbid fear of all is not spiders, the dark, or even confident women. It's actually peaking in High School. If the greatest accomplishments of my life were during this sheltered, restraining existence, then I wouldn't get very far. As I look around, I see people from our school, and other schools, getting ridiculously high ATAR's, and good on them for that. But really, what's the next step? Maybe most of the high school kids will thrive on the extra independence and responsibility, but what about the spoon-fed, babysat private school snobs, who will lose every security blanket they have? This re-assures me, giving me "the possibility of pleasure again."


Maybe someone else would dwell more on their score, possibly even be ashamed of it, but I'm ready to lock it, and all of high school, in a dusty old cupboard in some distant corner of my consciousness, because, my friends, there are far grander things out there than a stupid, insignificant little number discriminating you from the obsessive, nerdy freaks that lack life experience. I implore you all, dear readers, to simply forget about whatever your ATAR reflects; work ethic, potential or otherwise- and cash it in for a far grander prize; A truly bright future.


One final quote, for motivation. "Life is a process of becoming, a combination of states we have to go through. Where people fail is that they wish to elect a state and remain in it. This is a kind of death."

In the green again

Ah, there we go. Claritys returned, and I'm me again. 

Just a couple of quotes that are inspiring me as of now.

"I need a map of your head, translated into English, so I can learn to not make you frown."

"To resist is to piss in the wind. Anyone who does, will end up smelling."

"Get out from under precipice and see the sky."

"Forgive my indecision. I am only a man."

"I have an open-door policy when it comes to blame."

"This isn't coincidence. There's no such thing."

And here is an original- Genius is everywhere- if you can't find it, just take the shot with a wider- angle lense.

I'm back, baby

Zee Deevel

Let's play a game. See how many close friends you can really piss off and lose completely in a week.

Rules- You can't deliberately hurt anyone, it has to be completely unintentional and by accident.
Bonus points- if your attempts to rectify your mistakes fuck things up even more than before.
Apparently I'm getting rather good at it. In fact, I may have set a new record this week.

On a sidenote- what the hell am I doing wrong all of a sudden?

This week has been both the week in heaven and the week from hell. Either someones playing a sick, cruel, hideous joke on me, or I've pissed off the gods of life so much that I doubt I'll see next year. Every time I try to fix something I just stuff things up more.

I wish I could just go back a week, and forget everything from the last few days. Revitalising didn't work, and now all this stress is making me feel burnt out and hopeless. How quickly things can change for the worse.

Everyone has a devil inside of them, but its like mine has been dormant ever since this week, and it's conveniently decided to rip me a new one right in what should be the happiest two weeks of my life. Instead of spending amazing times with friends, I doubt I've got many left at all. I don't think I've ever felt this bad- everythings backfired, and I literally mean EVERYTHING.

The smallest little catalyst, the most insignificant of planning errors, and suddenly I've lost some of the people I care about the most. Do I really deserve this?

I wish I had Agoraphobia. That way I could just say inside for good.

Swan Song

As I sit here in front of my laptop, desperately cramming in one last methods exam 1, it's just suddenly hit me that it's all going to draw to a close soon. Some of us may hate it, but it's gonna be the swan song of our schooling chapter, this last week. Yet I'm confused at to how I should be feel???

The truth is, I don't quite understand what it is I should be feeling. I've seen people put as much distance between themselves and BHS, and I've seen people crushed by the sheer volume of expectation for the next 1-5 years ahead of us. Clearly there is a pang of sadness- after all, BHS has been my home for 6 long years, but my attitude had always been looking ahead- not at the ATAR itself, but what it will bring. Maybe that's why when I sit at my desk to "Study", I end up looking through the uni guides as a form of procrastination. But really, I'm excited. I'm ecstatic about the challenges and freedom that next year and beyond will bring, and I can't wait to get out into the big, wide world and challenge myself against more that a tiny corner of a dry, cold, rural town. It's not that I want to get away from family- far from it. Nor is it escaping the friends I've made- see the previous point; they're practically family anyway.

No, for me it's just excitement. I marvel at how people break down when confronted by their futures, even when they insist on taking a gap year or commuting for the sake of security. Can't you all see what you're missing out on? Life's short man, let's leave as much of an imprint upon the world as we can.

So hopefully, on Wednesday November 10th, I'll leave my last exam not with my head in my hands, but looking up to the stars. After all, the book may close, but the story never really ends.